POV vs Favorites

In my last entry I talked about bringing the main character of FLYWINGS, Stacey, to life. While going through this rewrite I've added several passages--like descriptions of what Stacey sees, what she thinks, feels-- and I've also noticed the point of view isn't always hers. Actually there are huge sections where the POV is someone else's entirely and it'll be difficult to rewrite, no joke. It's also going to be hard to hit delete on the originals.

But cuts must be made. There's an old saying I heard recently on a Twitter chat: Kill your darlings. Sometimes the scenes I like are the ones I wrote it in the moment. When I was trying to fill pages or just write to get a rhythm. And I loved those scenes because they helped me along the way. But many aren't necessary and need the ax!

Here's an example of a gratuitous scene followed by its rewrite. Tim running in to save the day in the original stole focus from Stacey. Notice how Stacey is more pronounced in the latter and the scene feels smoother. A twisty swingset ride muddles the flow of the original. The fact that Wally appears alone, monitored by cellphone is enough action. Enjoy:

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“Can I go outside?” She asked.

“Sure,” Tim said.

Stacey ran through her backyard and sat on a swing. She pumped her legs and got swinging fast! She laughed as the entire steel A-frame of the swingset shook in the ground. “Look at me, Dad!” Stacey yelled.

“Let me try,” a boy said, suddenly behind Stacey.

Stacey gasped and turned to see who spoke. The shift in her weight caused the swing to arc crookedly and she came dangerously close to hitting the metal A-frame.

“Watch out!” the boy yelled. He came to Stacey’s aid but got too close. As Stacey swung back down, she hit the boy square in his face with her backside and launched him into the air. There was a thump on the ground, and the boy cried.

“What happened?” Tim yelled, running to the backyard.

Stacey jumped off her swing and found the boy lying in the grass, holding his nose. Stacey laughed—it was her friend Wally!

“You all right?” Stacey asked.

Wally was fine, lots of red hair and freckles, but no blood. Stacey recognized his blue pants and gray shirt. The same gym uniform she had worn earlier.

“My nose feels funny,” Wally moaned.

“You okay? Tim asked.

“Yeah,” Wally shrugged. “I’m good.” He shook his head and dropped his hand from his face.

“Never get that close to a swing!” Stacey scolded. “You should know better!”

“You were swinging all crazy! I was trying to help!” Wally argued, “And then your big booty smacked me in the face!”

“This booty?” Stacey giggled. She turned around and shook her butt at him. Wally turned and shook his behind back at her. They both laughed.

“All right, All right,” Tim frowned. “Enough booty business.” He looked around. “Wally? Where are your parents?”

Wally shrugged.

“Do they know you’re here?” Tim asked.

“Nope,” Wally said. “They’re at work.”

“Who’s watching you?” Stacey asked.

“Grandpa,” Wally pointed. “See that green house over there with the big old tall attic? That’s my house. See the little attic window in front? That’s where Grandpa usually sits. He has a bad knee so he doesn’t come downstairs unless he has to.”
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[And now for the rewrite]

“Can I go outside?” she asked.

“Sure,” Tim said.

Stacey ran through her backyard and sat on a swing. She pumped her legs and got swinging fast! She laughed as the entire steel A-frame shook in the ground. “Look at me, Dad!” Stacey yelled.

“Hey, Stacey!”

“Wally?” Stacey gasped in surprise. “What are you doing here?”

It seemed magical how the boy just appeared from nowhere. Stacey hopped off the swing and looked around for a car or bike or something. Nope, just Wally. He still wore his gym uniform from school. The same outfit Stacey wore: navy sweatpants and grey t-shirt. But Wally’s pants looked wet and covered in dirt.

“What have you been doing?” Stacey smiled, “You’re a mess!”

Wally shrugged, “Just wondering around,” he said, “I didn’t know you lived so close.”

“We got a visitor?” Tim asked. He emerged from the house, clean faced, and walked towards the swingset.

“Dad, look!” Stacey grinned, “It’s Wally from school!”

“Hi, Wally,” Tim smiled, stopped and looked around. “You alone?”

Wally nodded.

“Your parents know you’re here?” Tim asked.

“Nope,” Wally said. “They’re at work.”

“Who’s watching you?” Stacey asked.

“Grandpa,” Wally pointed. “See that green house over there with the big old tall attic? That’s my house. See the little attic window in front? That’s where Grandpa sits sometimes. He has a bad knee so he doesn’t come downstairs all that much.”