New Begining Again

Inspired by Holly LeCraw's 'Revision and Instinct' lecture at the Boston Book Festival a few weeks ago, I am creating yet another draft of Flywings. This is a much leaner version, no fat, word count plummeting. If physical conflict does not occur in the scene--it's gone. Something has to happen. Only energy, no fluff. Any resemblance of cliches are cut. The "build up" before Stacey's first flight is gone. She flies right away, first chapter.

It's amazing how I can be so impressed with myself by one draft. Then I revise with a new mindset, and totally scoff at the former draft. I feel revising is blind, so hopefully my work is getting better.

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Old Beginning:
Magic is pretty crazy stuff, right? And you’re probably wondering where it came from. Well, I’m not exactly sure either, but I’ll tell you everything I know. I’ll start at the beginning, right when my magic showed up. And I’ll try not to forget anything. Some stuff is funny and some is kinda scary, but you’ll be okay.

So the big magic thing that happened, that was a huge, huge deal, was that one day a flying superhero just showed up out of nowhere! Here in our town! And this was real, okay? Not some fairy tale or movie. A magic creature swooped down from the sky and saved the day. Saved a boy’s life. And it was all over the news. People were shocked. They didn’t know what to think. What on earth could possibly fly like that? Some said maybe it was an alien, or a crazy bird, or maybe an angel.

But guess what? Those people had no idea what they were talking about, because it was just me flying around up there! That’s right, I was flying! Can you believe it? And Mom, didn’t even know about it. Dad didn’t know either. I kept it a big secret. I knew they would worry too much, and I wanted to try those wings out.

Oh, yeah, that’s right! I had magic wings. They were totally alive with real powers! They even kinda played with me, like a pet or something. I named them Flywings. Flywings was so fast! Nobody knew it was me flying around because I zoomed by like a flash of lightning. Voom! It was so much fun!

I can’t wait to tell you about flying, but first I gotta warn you: magic is not all fun and games. Magic can be very dangerous. Seriously. Because nobody knows how magic really works. It just kinda does. So you gotta be really, really careful. I mean, I was just minding my business one day, just goofing around playing dress-up, and then all of a sudden magic showed up. And it changed everything.

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New one:

It was just a normal day till I discovered I could fly.

“I have a surprise, Stacey,” Dad smiled when he picked me up at school, “A present.”

“Really?“ I laughed.

“It’s back home, in the car,” Dad said and his eyebrows bounced up and down, “It’s from UnEx.”

Dad was a shipping clerk at UnEx, a package delivery business. Sometimes if a package lacked a proper address, and Dad couldn’t find where to send it, he just kept it. One day Dad brought home a huge box full of bouncy balls. Another time a hundred gummi bears.

My patent leather Mary Janes rustled through the fallen leaves as me and Dad hurried home from school. At our little blue house, Dad popped open the trunk of the Volkswagen. Inside was a brown cardboard package about the size of a pizza box. Its UnEx label was all ripped up. Dad handed me the box and I opened it right there on the driveway.

“Beautiful,” I awed.

And there they were. The largest most amazing pair of fairy wings I had ever seen, sealed in a cellophane bag. Lavender stretched cloth, tons of shiny green glitter, purple yarn that ran along the wired edge, and two elastic shoulder straps that I couldn’t wait to try on.

“A ton of Halloween costumes were shipped last week,” Dad smiled, “These wings got lost in the shuffle.”

“I love them!” I said and gave Dad a big hug, “Thanks. They’re so pretty.”

We entered the house and I dumped my backpack and coat on the living room rug while Dad laid on the couch. He sighed and I knew what was next.

The nap was another side effect of UnEx. Dad worked all night so he had to sleep at some point during the day. I was used to it. I would watch cartoons, read, color, sort my rock collection, or play dress up.

“Have a great nap, Dad,” I said.

I ran upstairs to my bedroom and found a scissors in my craft bin. I stared at the beautiful wings again, and then I slit open its cellophane bag.

As soon as the bag opened I smelled something delicious, like Christmas at Grandma’s house. Homemade cookies, candy and fudge. The sweet aroma filled my room, like fifty squirts of perfume. For a moment, I sat on my bed just enjoying the smell, and then I reached into the bag.

Before my fingertips touched the cloth I could tell something was different. The wings felt jittery, like a bird in a cage. Then, for a moment, I felt them flutter!

What? I stopped. My jaw dropped and my heartbeat quickened. Were these things alive? I wasn’t sure what to do.

I slowly pulled the wings out of the bag.

“It’s okay,” I said, reassuring myself and whatever this thing was.

The wings fluttered even more. And then, they flew out of my hands and shot into the air. They flapped around the room like crazy! I ducked down and covered my head with my arms. Then the wings were still, perched upside-down in the corner of the ceiling like a moth.

“You are fast!” I said, “But don’t be scared.”

I took a deep breath, stood on my bed, and raised my arm like a hawk tamer. I stood there perfectly still for quite a while. The wings remained still too, but then they slowly inched closer.