Latest First Chapter vs Initial Draft

Here's the latest, Chapter 1 of Dizzy, followed by the first version from a few years ago. Wow! Different in every way.

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Latest Version:

I never wished for superpowers, or magic either. But I remember the day magic found me, the first time I flew. It was early November and Dad picked me up after school. We walked home in the sunshine, and I crunched dried leaves under my black penny-loafers.


“I have a surprise for you, Emily,” Dad smiled when we were about a block from the house, “A present.”

“Really?“ I giggled excitedly.

“It’s at home in the car,” Dad nodded, and his eyebrows bounced up and down, “It’s from FedEx.”

Dad’s nightshift shipping-clerk job at FedEx had one perk. Sometimes, if a package lacked a proper address, and he couldn’t find out where to send it, he just kept it. Usually he brought home perishable stuff like candy or flowers, which was cool, but nothing too exciting.

Once we arrived at our little blue house, Dad popped open the trunk of the old Volkswagen. Inside was a brown cardboard package about the size of a pizza box, with its FedEx label all ripped up.

I opened the box right there on the driveway, and wowed at the most amazing pair of costume wings I’d ever seen. They were jet-black like a crow, and gleamed with purple glitter inside their cellophane bag. At first I thought the feathers were real, then I realized they were narrow polyester flaps, connected to a complex wire framework, which must have been handmade.

“Nice, huh?” Dad smiled, “A ton of Halloween costumes shipped through last week and this one got lost in the shuffle. Em, I know you’re getting too old for dress-up, but you like them don’t you?”

“I love them,” I said and gave Dad a big hug, “Thanks! They’re awesome.”

We entered the house and I dumped my backpack and coat on the living room rug. Dad immediately stretched out on the couch for his daily nap, and I ran straight upstairs to my bedroom. I found a scissors in my craft bin, admired the beautiful wings another moment, then slit open the cellophane bag and reached in.

Even before my fingertips touched the cloth, I sensed something strange, something magic. The wings pulsed with real energy, like a bird in a cage, and then I felt them flutter.

“Whoa!” I pulled my hand back. This definitely wasn’t normal. My heartbeat quickened and I swallowed hard. Were these things alive? How could that possibly be? I wasn’t sure what to do.

I slowly reached in the bag and pulled out the wings and instantly they fluttered out of my hands and into the air! They flapped around the room like a frightened bat or something. I ducked down and covered my head with my arms. Then the wings stood still, and perched upside-down in the corner of the ceiling like a moth.

“You are fast!” I said, “But please, don’t be scared.”

I took a deep breath, stood on my bed, and raised my arm like a hawk tamer at the zoo. I stood there perfectly still for quite a while.

“It’s all right, wings,” I whispered, “It’s okay.”

Suddenly the black wings fell from the ceiling and gracefully fluttered towards me. The elastic shoulder straps worked like legs and softly landed on my wrist.

“Very good,” I smiled, “Stretching out, after being stuck in that bag, huh? Feel better?”

I looked the wings over closely. Without a doubt, they were alive, but with no head, eyes, nose or mouth. So bizarre. Just an ordinary pair of dress-up wings and magic, I supposed. What else could it have been? A slightly scary situation, but totally awesome!

“Can I touch your straps?” I asked, “That doesn’t hurt, does it?” I paused, “Can I wear you?” The shape of the elastic bands widened in welcome, and I slipped them on. Then the straps forcefully tightened onto my shoulders, like a safety harness on a roller coaster. The wings fluttered against my back, which tickled so much! I laughed till I was breathless and then fell face down onto my mattress.

Then out of nowhere I heard a huge sweeping sound, Voom! What was that noise? Those were not dainty little flutters. Voom! Those were mighty sweeps like an eagle. Each stroke felt stronger and smoother. They found a rhythm. And a few beats later I was lifted off of my bed! I rose into the air, slow and steady like gravity had just quit working.

“Whoa!” I laughed, “Where are we going?”

I elevated straight up, higher and higher, until we hit the ceiling and dropped like a brick onto my bed.

“Awesome!” I laughed, “Let’s do that again!”

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First Version:


Tim Krell checked the time on his computer monitor and smiled—quitting time. He grabbed his lunch box and sweatshirt, locked up his chain-linked office and hurried to the exit.

Tim worked nights for Union Express, an international shipping corporation, housed in a filthy, loud, mosquito-infested warehouse, an hour north of Boston. Daily, the quality assurance clerk sorted though hundreds of mislabeled packages, researched addresses online, and phoned recipients and shippers. If nobody claimed a lost parcel in two weeks it was returned to sender, thrown in the garbage, sent to corporate, or sometimes, taken home.

In the UnEx parking lot, Tim sat behind the wheel of his Volkswagen Jetta, yawned and turned on his GPS. He had just transferred from the UnEx in Chicago last week, and wasn’t quite used to the winding roads of New England. He yawned again as his car lurched forward. Tim was dead tired.

He dodged traffic along Interstate 93, exited on Mystic Valley Parkway, and parked in front of Saint Joseph Elementary School, in Arlington, MA.

“Hey, kid!” Tim yelled.

Stacey Krell sat on the blacktop of the St. Joe schoolyard. The historic three-story school with dark brick walls towered behind her.

“Daddy!” Stacey ran to Tim and hugged him.

Tim led Stacey back to the car and they hopped inside.

“Why aren’t we walking?” Stacey asked. “Our house is like a block away.”

“Running a little late today, sweetie.” Tim said. “How was your third day of school?”

“Good.” Stacey smiled.

“Making friends?” Tim asked.

Stacey shrugged and then nodded.

Two minutes later the Volkswagen pulled up to their newly purchased home. The tiny light blue house had a large front porch, which led into the living room, kitchen, and a stairway to upstairs bedrooms. The backyard was complete with a porch and a swing-set, and the basement, finished with carpet, supplied a playroom and a workshop. Cardboard boxes were scattered about the place.

“Are we done unpacking yet?” Stacey groaned.

“Almost.” Tim smiled. “You look tired.”

“So do you.” Stacey answered.

“We should relax a bit first.” Tim nodded.

The Krells flopped onto the couch and turned on the television. Stacey watched cartoons, while Tim kicked off his boots and stretched out for a nap.

“Can I cuddle you, Daddy?”

“Sure.” Tim smiled.

Stacey laid her head on Tim’s lap and he patted her hair.

“Whoa!” Tim exclaimed.

A rice-shaped bug crawled along Stacey’s scalp! He smashed the insect between his fingertips, and then found another insect. And another!

Tim reached into his pocket, grabbed his cellphone and called his wife at work.

“Claire?” Tim said. “What do I do? I think Stacey has lice.”

Claire hung up her office phone and itched her head. She worked at Quanvol, a biotech company, located in Cambridge alongside MIT and Harvard. The PhD scientist focused in vaccine research, and conducted experiments in the smallest scale. This specialized job was the reason the family moved to New England.

And her family was expanding! Claire was 5 months pregnant with a baby boy, and couldn’t be happier! However, her strength was waning, her back already ached, and with the news of lice, she felt even more uncomfortable.

Claire ran to the bathroom and looked over her long dark hair. Repulsed but relieved, she only found one bug, unnoticeable to coworkers.

Claire left Quanvol and boarded a bus to Arlington. She stopped by a drugstore on the way and bought insecticide shampoo. She got home, opened the front door, leaned over and scratched her head like crazy!

“Get them off of me!” Claire screamed.

Tim ran over and checked her scalp, “Relax! You hardly have any.”

“Good.” Claire sighed and held up the bottle of lice-killing shampoo, “Stacey! Bath time.”

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That evening the late summer air was warm and still. Stacey sat on the back porch, ordered to be motionless.

Claire sat like an overstuffed pillow on the stoop behind Stacey, her pregnant belly jutting into the child’s back. Again and again, Claire passed a fine metal comb through the child’s dark wet hair.

“Don’t worry, Stacey.” Claire explained. “These little bugs will be a pain for a week, but they’ll go away.”

“What’s wrong with bugs?” Stacey asked. “I like bugs.”

“They’re gross!” Claire shrieked.

“Where did they come from?” Stacey asked.

“I don’t know.” Claire shrugged. “Maybe from school.”

Inside the home Tim hustled around, his bald head shining with sweat, as he threw Stacey’s stuffed animals into garbage bags. Then he vacuumed the mattresses and couch, making sure to rid the home of stray hairs, which had potential to carry nits, or lice eggs.

“Vacuuming is done.” Tim announced, joining the girls on the back porch.

“You put the sheets in the wash?” Claire asked.

“Yep.” Tim nodded.

“What about Stacey’s clothes?” Claire asked, “Are those washed?”

“Yes.” Tim sighed.

“Don’t forget to call her school.”

“Okay.” Tim nodded. “I’ll do that right now.”

“When you’re done,” Claire said, “Please comb my hair. I am still grossed out.”

Tim sauntered back into the house as Claire sighed and refocused on combing Stacey’s head.

“I’m being a good girl, right?” Stacey asked her mom.

“Yes, honey.” Claire nodded.

“So I’m going to get lots of treats after this, right?”

“Of course.” Claire smiled.

“How many?” Stacey wondered. “Six treats? Or seven?”

“A couple.” Claire decided.

“Somebody say treat?” Tim said, and delivered a Popsicle to Stacey.

“All right! Thanks, Dad!” Stacey cheered.

Stacey licked the cherry-flavored treat while Claire double-checked the kid’s hair. Tim sat on the porch step behind Claire and parted her dark hair with another fine-toothed comb.

“I feel like I’m a monkey.” Tim giggled. “Ever see monkeys pick each other’s hair? They eat the bugs, right? Can I eat these bugs?”

“Gross!” Claire squealed. “There aren’t many, right?”

“Oh, no.“ Tim assured her. “Just a couple. Bugs like cute kid hair.” He teased, “Not old lady hair.”

“The bugs definitely won’t get me.” Tim smiled. “Buzzed my hair clean off!”

“What was left of it.” Claire teased.

“Be nice.” Tim smiled.

“Oh!” Claire exclaimed, “Did you feel that, Stacey?”

“What?” Stacey asked.

Claire laughed, “I think little brother just kicked you!”

“Really?” Stacey smiled, “That silly little baby.”

Stacey turned and gave Claire’s belly a kiss.